on the outside

ON THE OUTSIDE

 

On The Outside Looking In, could easily be the name/title for this blog. Inspired by something I recently read in a blog.  “You are beautiful, inside and out.”  Out of context, I let these words give me hope and promise.   But turns out that wasn’t enough.   After looking around, hearing what others had to say, and still a fan of active involvement in life, I almost felt compelled to do something. 

The key word is ALMOST. 

Flashbacks of grandmother’s logic and advice drifting into the conversation I am having with myself.  Ghetto and war and people just working out an alternative solution, and I recall what Nana said.  “Do nothing all the time, and there will be no bread on the table come Saturday morning.”   Not sure if I am on the outside looking in, as this is a story and/or  an embedded behavioral trigger for me:

What if she was right?

 

On the outside, and when I say flashbacks, this is a cue/clue for knowing that he is no longer operating in the present moment.  And for those who are just getting to know Stoney Blogger, is best to know he is a retired, older man, living out west where he looks out on a sea of water and mountains, so tall he can no longer climb them in one day.  Difficult to admit he has gotten old, and has limitations now.  But if you read

 

Between-the-lines, and see enough of the blogs he has written, it is apparent that he is on the outside now, not homeless and not living on the street or in a rest home, but part of those that must keep their finger on the button, on the keyboard and on the pulse of life that seems to be there for others, but not for me.

 

On the outside, and he has a longing/desire to go hiking, but now he needs a permit.  Needs permission for almost everything now.  And when he asks, “why?”:  there is no simple answer and he is never satisfied. Complexity.  Increased Population.  Computers and Cell Phone and Internet.   In a world where he is old, acts stranger and strange and is the uninvited one.  Or so it seems.  Wants to be outside, and yet no longer feels safe.  Can’t go alone.  Needs a companion or escort or armed security guard.

 

Seems like this is how he sees it now.  All tied up and bound by the acts of others, this might just be what happens when you no longer work, when your only son is no longer alive.  Might be, that on the outside no longer means going for a walk in the country, or on a hike, and most certainly doesn’t mean for him what it did for grandmother when surrounded by her family well into her 80’s, and she said. 

“this is nice.”

 

  Stoney blogger wakes up early.  Has learned to tone it down, remain in the quiet-man-way, and after tidying up a little, both self and kitchen, goes online to see what the people in Australia had to say.  Natter.  Then perhaps more reading .        Still too early to put the headsets on and listen to ESPN and the sports news.  NO longer has a TV set that was on all night and tuned into CNN News.  So now he has to look for it.  Explore.  Check out the mental landscape.  Go online and read the banners that substitute as newspaper and a cup of coffee and tea, to wake up and get things started. 

 

So he no longer goes to the front porch to see if the morning newspaper is there.  Rain or Shine, use-to-be that the paperboy would be up by 4 am and have his paper on the porch by 6 am.   That was then.  Now it is not like that.  Computer On-line with the World-Wide-Net, and on a day like today, it leaves him on the outside.  On the outside of a world that is all about others, and very little about him.  So he tries to relate.  Woke up early, so he has time on his hands.  By 6 am, he knows its futile to go out,  no sense to check the porch or yard for a newspaper or a friendly face.  It is not there.

 

Instead his option is to read what has accrued overnight.  And this is when he discovers, it is all quite disturbing.  Disturbing that he is on the outside, looking in.  “What’s Up?”  “How is it going?”  Legitimate interaction with others, and that is all in the past.  Flashbacks of how it use-to-be. 

 

Now it is other things that often catch him by surprise.   Flash-floods in Australia.  An Unfriendly Neighbor.  And more.  He reads.  “Hacking death of 3^rd Blogger shocks Bangladesh.”   Quite frankly, it shocks Stoney Blogger too.  Not fully awake, and not comprehending the full meaning of things, he worries about things, way out of control, and certainly not in his control.  Based on the outside and in a world distant, but at his fingertips and just in front, where the eye balls cannot ignore what they are seeing.  Disturbing that he doesn’t understand what is really going on. 

 

New Law in the State of Indiana.  Has people talking.  In another place, where I am not, Machete-action.   And now there are those who think that blogging is safe and that this could never happen in their neighbor, are having second thoughts.  At least, Stoney Blogger is having second thought, about what awaits him, On-The-Outside.

 

Makes a mental note to not go to Indiana until they hash things out, get a second opinion and maybe have Martial Law settle the matter.  Too far away to get into the action.  Has no idea why, he no longer has a sudden interest in sitting down and writing a blog.   Can’t write about Politics.  Can’t get into if it has anything to do with religion or about  sexual preferences.  New world, but familiar in an old way when he was trapped in the world of his parents and his grandparents. 

And as he grows old, he realizes.  One must be thankful and be gracious when faced with what others are saying and doing.  As if there is a wall between them now:  neighbors and relatives and the people, who are more complex Stoney Blogger will ever be.  No way to truly understand what going on.  On the outside, and this is why he sits in front of his computer, wondering what to do.  Can’t blog.  Afraid some will hunt him down, machete in hand.  Ok, just plain afraid.  And yes,   just saying this, gets old.  Have to make changes.  But the details escape Stoney Blogger.  Afraid to blog.  Not certain how to reach out.  Facebook and Twitter don’t work for Stoney. 

 

Ok its early.  Maybe he just didn’t get enough sleep.  Maybe out there, on-the-outside is an answer that will liberate the Stoney Mind, and put more emphasis on the first step.  Taking the step to freedom and safe being is for Stoney a trip back in time, where grandmother would implore him to do something.  “Go to the store.  Get some bread.” 

And for the rest of the day, Stoney knew what to do.  The store was 20 miles away.  He had no car.  And had to wait for a neighbor to pick him up.  On The Outside.  In the country.  In the mountains.  Lived the best they could, from day to day.  Not afraid.  Or so it seemed.  Later that would change, but like the kids say,

“Ancient History. What does this have to do with me!!!

Now go away.”

 

That’s exactly what Stoney Blogger did.  And now sits pondering, what is it like on-the-outside.

“You are beautiful, inside and out.”

And Stoney continues to talk to himself.  Alone and in Morning.  He says.  “Love is.  True.  True.”

“Forget about the machete.  Must do.”