WHEN YOU HAD ME

WHEN YOU HAD ME





When you had me, and what kind of blog can I derive beginning with that statement.  Do you really have another.  Another what?  And if that becomes clear, the actual details of content of our time together can be considered.  Animal.  Mineral.  Or Vegetable.  And now I revert back to the heydays when my brain was in full use and development.  1952 to 1959.  We had our first television and it was black and white and that’s where this blog begins.  My Topic:  When You Had Me.





 
 
Before I get off track and leave you wondering what he had for breakfast, I want to include this part.  In 1952 I saw this television program for the first time.  At home.  Was a popular television game show.  Title:  Animal, Vegetable, Mineral?    Experts came before the cameral to identify interesting objects.  This was a  BBC program.  I think there was a American equivelent, but am not sure which one came first and gets the original distinction.  Remember this was 1952.











When I had you, brings to mind that perhaps I did not take full advantage of your presence.  And this is a simple example.  Where I live, they have declared a war on downtown parking.  They and I don’t really know who that is, because its not me, want to make more revenue on parking your car near anything that the public really wants to use.  Like your front door, and so in front of your house are parking meters, and this is in the neighborhoods, not just downtown. 



At first I thought, "This is nuts."  But then I realized that greed is fundamental human behavior.  The mayor and the budgets of the city, they just want more.  More revenue.  And all this leads to something I have noticed.  Greater dependence on public transportation, and less and less use of the private car for daily use of coming and going.  Parked in the garage, if you have one.  On the driveway, other wise and now in a specific context, when I had you becomes very specific.  When I could afford to have a car, I didn’t realize this was a special privilege.  Now I do.

 







When you had me, or in a different order:  when I had you does this bring to remembrance a special time when we just thought this would last forever.  Cars and Men and Women and Bling.  Does that about cover it.  Independent states and now we are in a time of temporary and jobs are difficult to come by.  Even so, we are tinkering with healthcare in the place I am in.  Its all interconnected.  Insurance and the concept that everybody has access to affordable care.  Which is something badly needed, but the web-site  doesn’t work and they are making it mandatory and have imposed a deadline to get me signed up. 



Now you have me, between a rock and a hard spot, and it makes wonder, "Are we having fun yet."  " And are we there yet? " , asks the 5 year olds as if we had a planned destination.  Little do they know we are driving around the same block over and over, to get the one free spot that is affordable.  And everybody wants it.  Free and Abundantly Available.  And if you give it away for free, you will be called bad names.  And so it goes. 

When you had me.




Not sure what point I am trying to make.  Not sure if I am trying to judge content of satisfaction in my daily life, and do so comparing it to the way it was, 30 years ago.  Fighting the temptation to go back, make comparisons about when you had me, or I had you.  Sports car or Volkswagen beetle and at the time I had a full schedule.  From home to school to work.  Morning to night and without a car, I would never have accomplished this routine, that got me through college and into life.  Home and family and then heartbreak. Learned the hard way, this is not a perfect world.  Before long, if 15 years is a long time, you be the judge; I found myself starting over.  You were gone.  And all these years later, sure is true.  I still miss you.  But there is no point to wear that on my sleeve.  I need to find parking and the Littles are getting restless. 


 

This is not a good example of when you had me, and how you thought about it.  I was too busy at the time.  Hardly realized how time flies and its over in a blink of the eye.  Even now, its difficult to accept that you are gone.  That I have sold my car, and now walk from place to place and bus stop to bus stop.  No convenience and no longer stop at the convenience store on the way home from work, bringing the loaf of bread she needs to make tomorrow’s lunch for dad and the kids.  Instead, we order it on the internet.  One loaf of bread and pay for home delivery.  And I am thinking, geesh.  I really miss you.  Volkswagen simple.  But not now.





   To complete my thought and not miss a beat nor my original thought when deciding to write this blog.  I wanted to ask, "when you had me, did it drive  you crazy?

AFTER THOUGHTS

AFTER THOUGHTS

It is Tuesday and all I can say, "Baby Its’  Cold Outside."  And so I will assemble all that is good about my present circumstances, and take on a positive role play for this entire day.  Will start out with no issues, but then again my subconscious rules when I turn around, and stare into the dark side of my reality.  And has little or nothing to do with you, but then again its below the level of my awareness, so how would I know.  What concerns me today is that I have the opportunity to become New and Improved.  Better Awareness.   More Knowledge.  A Happy Disposition. 



And so much more.  What pleases me is that I am inspired to write another blog, touching on a comment made from yesterday’s blog, Swift Rendition.  And so I looked up a reference to a song that I had never heard.  Looked over the lyrics, and told myself:  "that’s right."  And so from that point, I will carry on, until I need to eat some breakfast and take a walk.  For now, this blog unfolds.  And my topic:  After Thoughts.




Not sure how to do this, but am sure somebody will jump in and help me, if I offend.  Lyrics from a song by THE BYRDS:   My Back Pages has me thinking.  And am pleased that a connection has been made.  Was busy yesterday weaving a dual theme in the blog, Swift Rendition.  And wish I was more knowledgeable about the things that are important to you.  My world becomes distorted, and am far out in left field, as The Boston Redsox baseball teams, win yet another game from the  St. Louis Cardinals, and are but one game away from winning the MLB World Series Pennant for 2013.  And I am neutral at best.  Its not the Damn Yankees, and so my conscious is clear.  Not in debt to the past, as we don’t care who did what, yesterday.  Now I am not sure if that is true, as the audience is many.  How can I say what you care about.  And as for me, well I am interested in this line and one more from THE BYRDS song:  My Back Pages.




The line states:   "……  Using ideas as my maps"   "…..    We’ll meet on the edges, soon."




And that is where I begin.  Looking back and finding a song written by Bob Dylan.  Introduced  to me as a song sung by THE BYRDS.  I don’t know my music history.  Written in the 60’s and now 50 years  have passed.  And the idea behind all of this might be:  We Change.  What you think now is probably not be what you think when you are older."  And that’s it.  Maybe I should stop now.  Meet on the Edges.  Stop.  And think about it.  If I can.  And perhaps thrive on that which comes from you.  Your comments and how that settles into my subconscious.  In the days that follow.  After Thoughts.

SWIFT RENDITION

SWIFT RENDITION





 
I am caught up with an afternoon dilemma and its Monday.   Been going through the routine that is scripted for the first work day of the week, but then it needs to be adjusted for the fact that I am retired, and not like you, in the sense I had to work all day and waited for this moment when I could sit down at my computer, at home or in a coffee shop, and do the social and media scene, determine what I have been missing and pine away in my mental box, wishing to be more like the digital you, and not feeling myself at all.  Not like that for me.  Maybe its not like that for you, but a rare projection of that which occupies me night and day, in my subconscious.  Truth is that a swift rendition means more than one thing to me, and since I am retired, but pretend I am not, hence get active on the internet at any time I choose, and do what you might do,

only not at work.  




 
Swift Rendition and it could be a song or musical experience that attached to me back when I was young and influenced by the music I would hear, and associate it with the person I was dating or married to or just wanted to be with.  Swift Rendition and it might even be a dual apprehension of a negative aspect that I was drawn to, like moth to light or fire.  Dual and now its up to me, and it always is, to figure out what it means to me, and why on this day, I find it important to pursue.  Swift Rendition.  Wonder what it means to you?  On the Internet, looking for company and somebody that finds this a proper topic:  Swift Rendition and now we play it.  1-2-3.  And is that it?  Swift and now I’m gone, or just that fact that I have listened to a rendition of a favorite song that is being done, by somebody new.  Not the original at all.  And I wonder.  Positive or Negative, what does this mean to me.  Today.





Am dealing with duality.  Spirit or Body.  And in a simple telling, rendition means, "handing over."  And then there is the extraordinary rendition, that is the apprehension and extra-judicial transfer of a person from one country to another.  Difficult at best to understand the simple and the complex, side by side and in different versions.  Like a rendition of a song, from old to new, done in an entirely different form, you hardly recognize it as the song you learned and associated with your first love, back in the day when any was possible.  So young.  Swift rendition and has this anything to do with CIA Renditions and the dude named Snowden, who admitted to it all, when she sang out, "My Bad." 

 


 So here I am.  I hear again, the chorus to that song I first heard when I was 16.  Lovely.  Not rap music.  Nobody had to die, back then.  Innocent and harmless.  But not now.  Dealing with a duality and a simple telling, which only means I am handing over all those things that happened to me in the past, moving forward, and trying to make it all disappear.  A   Swift Rendition.  Make it disappear.  My duality.  Make me single again.  Willing and Ready and Able to fall in love once more.  Regain my innocence.  Is that possible? 

 Not sure.






Swift Rendition.  Good or Bad, or just a product of society and the common mind, living today with so many instances of duality, caught between the body of facts and the condition of soul, attempting to express itself in music, finding something new in the harmony of the past, now out of popularity with the young audience that buy music or steal it from the internet.  Hard to understand this practice of questionable legality, which is what we do in the new world.  New construction.  Rewording or interpretation of a perfectly good song, I grew to love.  But then what did I know about the real world, back when I was 16.  Falling in Love.??




 
Swift Rendition of old music, not played or listened to.  Beethoven’s First.  Not to be the last, and now comes new and improved as a new arrangement, I am suppose to get use to.  Get Real.  Adapt.  And that is how I see it.  A practice of questionable legality, who are you to tell me, what I am suppose to do?  Probably not correct to discuss this in light of CIA Renditions.  The damage has been done.  I heard the new arrangement.  Didn’t like it.  Now am part of the resistance.  Not sure if I will be charged with anything.  Of course I am hoping for a happy ending.  Want and intend to have a close relationship with you.  Preserve those feelings I had at age 16.  Don’t want to be abducted by today’s sudden change of mind.  But wait, is there enough tolerance and leeway to allow me what I want?  Not sure.  Swift Rendition.  









Will I disappear?

And Be Duality:

Lost Love. 

And

A Love Song I listen to on YouTube.

But its not the same. Happening at the same time.

And

I Don’t Like It. 

IS THAT IT ?

IS THAT IT  ?




 

I am looking for that which separates and defines the most important element on a Friday to Monday session that will never fail to satisfy and keep me occupied, regardless of what is going on outside in the external realm, where I can read about it, but not do anything at all to change the outcome as reported in the google banner that takes up space on the page that I have dialed up by calling on my Home Button. 



 And here I am, looking for a do-over.  My goals are set.  Define and Separate.  Do it between Monday and Friday, and for the most part it doesn’t matter what time it is in your neighborhood, lets’ start now.  Not sure if its the subject matter that will be engaging, or the ring you put on my finger, as we end the night, and you have picked me up on a dance floor, total stranger who seems nice, he is.  





He is available and am seeing him for the first time.  Pure instinct and spontaneous, these things happen when we are young, but not now and certainly not in a blog.  But wait.  Did I miss something?  I have seen a lot of blogs and seen love happen after she signs in and says, "Befriend Me."  And then for the next 6 months and until she disappears, never to be seen again, its all about him being the one and how he has become her digital prince.  So I have seen it before, am internet and blog savvy.  





What did I miss, not much.  So what is that essential thing I am looking for, and will I know it when it touches me, or before the moment of impact, when suddenly bold Letters declare, "Is That It?"   And that is my blog topic for today.  Hope I know before the weekend is over.  Is That It?  Or must I wait another week, and do it all over again as I look time and time again for that which separate and defines that which never fails to satisfy?

 

I haven’t decided if this is a head-game I am playing.  Nor if its possible to be satisfied.  Quite conservative I am, but pride myself on being collaborative and I have had a few sexperiences and moments of delight that I thought, "This is it.  This will last."  And I would be the last to know, when it was over.  But over it was, the euphoria of that which I was sure, would last forever.  


 


And Now I’m Good.  Weekends come and go.  I’m still looking and now will be satisfied with most anything that presents itself as fun.  Have dropped the special and the eternal satisfying part.  Go at this as if I am smart and educated and can handle it with a sense of humor, if indeed all falls apart, without warning.  How it is.  Is That It?   And should I begin the next generation of blue, when it rains and pours and getting wet happens, but not the way I had hoped for it to be.  Perhaps there is a reasonable explanation for Monday and my recollection and dismissal of all that happened, but did not qualify as defining and separation from the insane.  Can’t say it turned out to be a total failure, but then I think I might be ruled by my bias and my intentions that were programmed at birth.  







So now its time to become specific.  It doesn’t matter who you are, at the start I give the benefit of the doubt.  You could be the one.  Name a Team.  Wear a Uniform.  Ask me to pay to be with you.  And that’s when it happens.  My Bad begins to show.  I develop attitude.  Friday night and he may be drunk.  But not likely on coffee and cigarettes and an absentee-ballot.  Still waiting for satisfaction.  And I can tell you, on preview of two games, I am not in love with you.  In fact not sure I even like you.  Boston Red Sox.  St. Louis  Cardinals.  Baseball in Winter.  

Not sure I like you.  Is That It?

YOUNG AND WELL-ENDOWED

YOUNG AND WELL-ENDOWED




 

It has been a long time since I have been in the mood.  Long time and writing hasn’t come easy.  But will try to keep this in good taste, and yet say what is on my mind.  Want most to relate to this blog, but each in their own way.  And can say without fussing, I am older and wiser now.  So realize a good tease is like a good sneeze.  It just gets everything out there.  Nothing wrong with being you and well endowed.  You might be like that, even now.  And if this is the case, must say, "Its nice to know you."  Some things just stay frozen in time.  Faded picture in a drawer.  You see it and smile and remember back.

 "Those were the days.   Oh so lovely."  



 

And so is with that reference point I bring this blog to life.  At some time in the past, it was like that.  I met you.  Was equally impressed.  And so I will try to weave this story together and share the wealth.  Is fun to do it that way.   Seek balance.  Young and Old.  Well-endowed.  She has beauty and a zest for life, in great abundance.  See her standing by her pool and you just know.  Attractive and activates the senses and a sense of self in another time.  We have all been there, or perhaps are there now.  And we know, Life is a Gift.  We should enjoy it.



 

When you have children, it is easy to recall the beauty of it all.  Young and Well-Endowed.  Nice smile.  Nice top.  Leaves an impression and you realize why we live and love and have children and protect them, at all costs.  In many ways, I am developing a dual theme.  The personal expression of things in life that are precious and few and time-locked.  Over time things change.  And that is part of this blog.  Partly what comes to me as I remember when and where and how we met.

 How we just couldn’t resist.  
How and When and Where, but never 
Why?  




Why did things turn out as they did.  Behind me stands the memory of you.  Our conversation.  Our time together.  For some and with some, it was online and totally digital.  Never kissed and touched.  You were there.  I was over here.  And yet, it registered.  Young and Well-Endowed.  And special.  That was then.  This is now.  Time moves on.  And just the other day, we were talking.  Remembering certain things.  And was that 5-6 years ago.  "Let’s have tea.  Sit down for a friendly."  Could have been a daydream.  Could have been an alternative reality.  Could have been, but then it wasn’t.  Or maybe it was.  Over time, things become distorted in my mind.  What was I thinking then.  What am I thinking now. 





 When you have children, it all becomes a blur.  So much to do.  Nothing remains the same.  And then one day.  You look in the mirror.  And say, "Older and Wiser Now."  I love my children.








Wonder of The World.  Natural Beauty.  And I remember back.  Standing by the pool.  Young and Well-Endowed.  Etched in my mind.  If ever I pass that way, let’s meet.  "Have a cup of tea.  You and I."  It was digital and far away.  And at the time, I was learning what it meant to live and love and lose.  And that’s where I want to take up the dual story line at this point.  Older and Wiser now.  But have a faint glimpse of it all.  A new country without a lot of people.  Trees and Shoreline and shinning clear water.  



 

A pristine place to be.  Natural Beauty.  100 years ago.  1913.   I wasn’t alive then, but my grandfather was.  And a few years later, maybe 1919 my father was born.  Born of the land and trees and water you could drink from the well or bubbling stream that flowed nearby.  A 100 years has passed. 


 


 But still I remember hearing about how we must protect the land and the children and the beauty of this place, called home.  Home and now its been violated.  Population increase.  No longer young and well-endowed. 

100 years.  Its different now.



 
Maybe I am talking about you.  No longer young and well-endowed, but still you can relate.  You see the possibility in your own children and their children.  Too late to apologize that we cut the trees down, and put concrete and buildings where they once were.  Too late to apologize about urban expansion and density.  Too late to apologize for global warming and the raging wild fires, now consuming Australia.  


 



Suffering and Difficulty.  Too late to apologize for all that.  So instead, I do what I can to protect and keep the safety net near my children and the ones I love. 

Instead I write a blog, shed a tear, and tell my children.  "Stay Near."  "Stay Safe."  "Stay With Me."

A CERTAIN REALITY UNFOLDS

A CERTAIN REALITY UNFOLDS

 

 


It seems interesting to me the mess we get into just living from day to day.  And wonder if that has anything to do with an uncertain future we cling to.  Do we know what the next day will bring, or is all that a product of our imagination as we dare to dream big, and carry on as if all of this is ever flowing and continuous and always in our best interest.  Been a long time for me, as stoney blogger, investing in words and the freedom to write and express myself.


 

Of course, its true, the incentive to write comes and goes, is guided by the seasons and my placement on the globe, and it is my essential nature to seek self-expression.  Is my reality, and so today I commit to the idea of writing a blog, but staying away from the questionable things that make gossip and speculation self-expanding in the ordinary world, aided by Twitter and social media and people like you and I inquiring.  Its been okay, but should we shut it down.  Look for a better way.  Try something new.  Wave goodbye to yesterday.  Just say, "New Day.  Can’t afford it."  And just walk away.  Can we?





So I need nourishment.  Getting hungry as we speak.  Freedom and Open Expression takes resources we often take for granted, and I am no different.  Expect to write this blog and reach out to you, without really considering if you will be there.  Shutdown, and maybe you have just walked away from the ordinary routines of yesterday.  Too much fuss and confusion.  Human Nature.  Shut it Down.  Wonder how many of us have come to that conclusion, but have not taken the energy to implement that plan that lurks just a few steps away, digital or real time, and for me is time to seek the kitchen, cook up something, like home made stew, and let others manage the best they can.

 Limited Edition.



And is true.  Front Page News, but now its all digital and not a paper on my front porch getting soaked by the rain, because the paper-boy was all too busy, delivering the good and plotting out a new course that would distance him from you.  And I wonder, is it time.  To just go do something different, and deal with the reality of an uncertain future, doing it one by one, or in a chorus of others, rising up and making ones presence known.  Often wonder, if I should go fishing or write a blog.  Energy in the Dust.  Tampered down by the rain that reaches for me and my newspaper, just out there and exposed to the elements.  So it gets me thinking.  Newspapers and is it time to let those institutions of the word just go away.  "Go Away."  He said.  "You are annoying me."



People talk.  Not sure if what they are saying has anything to do with me.  Pay your bills.  Live month to month.  Take care of self and family, if that’s what you are dedicated to.  I am.  I like my dog and friends and family and newspaper.  Just plain old fashion.  And so it goes.  My daily love affair with you.  



Just now, found myself in the kitchen with tears in my eyes.  Not sure if it was chemical, as  I was slicing up onions, for its place in the pot and stew, and wonder what we have gotten ourselves into, as a certain reality unfolds, and we radiate and dispense an energy that warns of something more coming in the days ahead.  "Shut it Down."  He said.  "I am not fighting with you.  A decision has been made."   And its like I have dedicated this day to drying out the wet newspaper gathered from the front porch.  Not worried that I won’t be able to read it, like tea leaves at the bottom of my cup, for its known.



 If it appears in newsprint, it is possible I can find it online.  Digital and Available.  Plan B.  So much to think about these days.  Wandering over the well-trod landscape.  Can’t get into Yosemite or the National Park just down the road from me, where mountains stand and look down, wondering in a stone cold way, is this for real.  Am I really standing after all this time.  




And there he is.  Looking out his window, over land and water, looking at the reflection of sun on snow and mountains now off limits because they say, "We Shut it Down. No Access."  And I am thinking.  Wet Newspaper.  Cold day.  Time for a cup of soup and a cheese sandwich.  Time to eat.  And to repeat.  A Certain Reality Unfolds.  Am I happy?  Blogging today.  Spending time with my newspaper and with you.   Extending the happiness and extending my daily love  affair with you. 

Yes, I am.