Accept And Remember

Accept And Remember

 

I see myself in the reflection of others, as we hop on the train, as if we all know where this will be taking us.  Have gotten to the place where I am not working, as it is Saturday and is where I have drawn the line, and made an open statement. 

“I will not work. Today is a day of rest.”

Not sure I need to elaborate.  Saturday or Sunday and people go shopping as well as going to church.  Church is something that is drawn from the well of past occurrences.  I have no clue what people do today.  Seems it wasn’t long ago I was dropped on my head.  Not important what the doctors said at the time.  Things have a way of developing a course and then following the plan and happening.  Happened to me.  Sudden stoppage.  Never to return exactly to the conditions or the spot.  

As if we were all starting over, or was it just me.  Have lots of examples of what I am talking about, but the truth is, until it happen for you or to you, can one relate?  Not talking about the tradition of shutting down the store on Saturday so we can go somewhere and praise G-d, or count our blessing and do it in a shared collective.  Not talking at all really, as I have forgotten what I was going to say.  Senior moment or dropped on my head, and brain trauma and memory loss takes over.  

 

Saturday and it will suffice to say, “ I don’t know who you are.  But tis a blog of public dimension.  Know you are out there somewhere. Not sure I can address you or find you.  But this is set up so you can find me, leave a comment and life goes on.”

 

That is what I will concentrate on.  You can find me.  You can leave a comment.  You can do this and so much more, because times have changed and we have more capability.  Technology enables you and I.  Truth is I am legging behind some on this front.  Do not have a sell/cell phone and instant gratification is not my lot.  But do have wifi at home, and when I find my way home, I will have some of the benefit you have.  

 

The key to it all is not getting lost.  Finding my way home, and figuring out how to plug myself in.  Seems every day is different.  Head injury perhaps.  Constant struggle to just be in the fast lane with others.  So rearrange my expectation.  Forget what day it is.  Go with the assurance that I will be found, and that I can’t be lost forever. 

Trust that technology will do that for me, when I have forgotten some of the essential things.  Trust the system.  Make a few adjustments and that will get me to Sunday or Saturday, depending on how you are made and what is most important to you.   Sunday and church and the great sermon that will give me peace of mind.

 

Is it possible that when they drop you on your head, or you have a concussion or PSTD, that things will go back to the way they use to be?  Have that written down to give some attention to.  But as it turns out, I am lost.  Can’t find my way home. 

 

Have everything written on an electronic screen.  No longer relying on pencil and paper and the hand of G-D to spell all these things out for me.  Relying on what seems to be the ways of the present moment.  Standing on the platform, waiting for the people to move, when the doors open and the rush of air reminds me,  there is something going on.  Please join in. 

 

Or just pay attention and avoid the crush of people around you.  The situation demands one’s full attention, and in some way I just know.  Not up to the task and might not survive.  But then again, it occurs to me that the person standing next to me, before the rush hour or moment begins, has a cell phone.  I can bravely ask, ‘Do you have a cell phone and could you check the GPS and the time.”  And if the answer is yes,  I can go forward with the rest of the people.  No resistance.  I don’t need a full functioning mind.  I just need the help of others at times like this.

 

So in front of a computer screen.  Suddenly the prompt pops up.  Is asking me something about saving my password.  Then another screen.  Asking me.  Accept and Remember.  And all I have to do is click on the yes part.  I don’t really need to know why this is happening.   Click and repeat if it happens again.  Accept and Remember and get on with it. 

 

Is a lesson from life as I currently know it, that I just wanted to share with you.  No reason to go into the trauma and indecision that occurs and leaves me feeling a little lost, when somebody retaliates and does bad things.  Want to erase those things from mind.  Want to forget that there are bad people in the world and they do bad things.  Paris and who knows where the next impact place will be.  All I need to know is I have been injured.  Brain trauma or broken heart.

 

Accept and Remember, and then move on.  Doesn’t matter if it is on the train platform hoping for transport to the next best place, or finding my way home, where I can operate with a sense of that perhaps, I am safe.  That is my blog for today.  Accept and Remember. 

 

 And I wonder.  Am I able to do this?,   Without going into the details of what just happened and why all of this is hurting me?  I wonder.  Paris is burning and I am not sure why.  Which of course, is part of my sickness.  Indeed.    Accept and Remember What?

 

a necessary contusion

 

A Necessary Contusion

I am not sure what even brings the subject up, but I do know that a few days ago this phrase, ‘……a necessary contusion….”  Came to me.  Not sure how this aligns with other things going in my own life, or going on around me that are independent, but there it was, this particular phrasing and thoughts entering my mind, coming and going in no certain way. 

And here I am today, writing a blog and not sure what truly brings the subject up, but that is less important now, than keeping all of this on topic.  And being satisfied at the end, so I don’t repeat myself or this exercise in topical writing.  Even now, I am taking exception with the part of the title that has the word, ‘…necessary ….’  Just displayed and in prominent position to accept or contest.  Mostly I just write and accept the situation as one in the moment that I  will resolve. 

But even as this is generally true, I am vying with the opposition here just retreat and veer off topic.  Why is a bruising or a contusion necessary, and from what point of view would that be sufficient validation for such a phrasing and statement?  Of course,  I am not a doctor, nor have I spent four years in an accredited athletic training and sports medicine, but then again am not sure what others say, when I bring the subject up.  Have a feeling I am about to find out, and that satisfies me.  A Necessary Contusion.  My blog for today.

 

This will not be a report on contusions for a school project.  The title came to me, and now I am formatting my response.  Not concerned about a serious injury here, and won’t jump into the specifics of brain injury and brain contusions that also are part of something the NFL  ( national football league ) is dealing with.  Instead, I will clarify my intentions by saying, 

 “ A little bruising never hurt the peach or the apple I am holding.  I will eat it anyway.” 

 

As for actually saying and justifying the phrase, ‘…. A necessary contusion…” , I am not sure I can.  I can say, “We all will take some hits in life, and if physical there is the possibility for bruising.”   Is a bruise also a contusion.  Not sure?  Some say it is.  So we take some hits in life.  Is contusion necessary?  My simple response for myself is this.  It is a warning of something more serious to come, if we persist on being the Poster Child Tough Guy and strive for perfection in this manner.

Necessary in the sense that this is a warning.  Stop while you are ahead and have the ways and means to think about it, and take preventive measures.   Take a hit or two in life, but then acknowledge that boxing and football and robbing people by force comes with a certain risk.  Go beyond a reasonable point, and that’s when a friendly blog on the subject can be of no help.  The situation becomes serious. 

And perhaps the damage cannot be reversed.  With that in mind,  I think I have said enough.  Now I will turn the other cheek, and take what is coming.  Not sure if that is constructive or destructive, but am sure that the comment field will tell me what I need to know.  Is there any such thing as a necessary contusion?

 

Stopped for a moment and fixed myself something to eat.  Nourishment and refreshment.  Necessary to do, when the energy wanes.  Now I am back, and it occurs to me, this blog has been inspired by my subconscious.  Will share this, just because I do that.  Might have nothing to do with you and the life you are living.  Might be that you just do not agree, nor relate when I say.

“we all take hits in life.”

 

 And to say a necessary contusion or bruising is inevitable might mean I have taken the liberty to say too much.  Even so.  I like the part about all this being a warning seen in print.  Not sure I think printing warnings on labels or at the end of a blog serves a grand purpose.  Am aware that this is done.  Not aware if this is beneficial or purposeful.  Perhaps that is a blog subject for another day.

 

Subconscious and maybe in my sleep I was reflecting on the very fact of my own existence.  Come November 15^th and for the next consecutive 3 weeks, I will be attending NFL football games, walking distance from where I live.  Walking to a violence event.  Will be in attendance.  Cheering the boys on. 

And yes, these people who do this for money, are professionals.  Violence is part of their game and mindset.  Having said that, it seems contusions and bruising to body and mind will be forthcoming.  Is it necessary?  Will leave that as it may be.  Think I have said enough. 

I am done.

And when I mentioned this to my doctor, he said.   “Get an MRI.”

And I wondered.  Is this a joke or serious. 

The things people say and do.

A Delicate Seclusion

A Delicate Seclusion

 

I find myself inventing a conversation that may be truly one-sided, until I force it into a blog,  I have decided on writing here and now, and this act allows for expansion, guided growth and sculpturing of words held in abeyance, until they made their way to the surface and now we can see them before us.  Words on a Screen.  Simple and it seems this is not an isolated situation, as once I thought it to be. 

 

From silence to a conversation with myself, and now put into words and this reminds me of something.  Actually there are many thoughts running parallel and available, and for now it is up to me to give personal meaning to the things I choose to share.  How and when and where do words appear.  By magic.  By concentrated effort.  By reduction of the mass brought forth by information overload.

 

Occurs to me that I have something specific in mind.  Not sure how it happened, or if it was intended or accidental.  Not sure if I should draw attention to this, and magnify it by repeating in this blog and in public how a few words in a comment field, identified by me as an incredible work of art, made possible by a few well-chosen lines of words left for me to see, in a yesterday-blog that was just there and available as a field to be planted, and it was, by a gifted artist using as I said, “Well-chosen words.”  

 

Now inspired, before anything distracts me,  I want to show how one thing leads to another, and I find myself inventing one-sided conversations and creating another blog that could be the by-product of a delicate seclusion where I anchor my mind and thoughts and out-pouring’s so that I can  sit and write and make sense of the once unobserved.

 

I liked the title that was there waiting for me, when I awoke this morning.  Had a simple assembly of chores that I could and often do make habitual at this time of the month.  Not so many that I needed a list, and not so compelling that it had to be done at the very start.  So  the title was there and it took over, alerting me to the idea I should defer announced plans and the declared direction this day would take.  Instead,  I should take notice of the title sitting in storage rooms of the mind, and do something with it. 

Blog.  Title.  A Delicate Seclusion.

 

And it came as a new combination of words for me, and came as a promise of something that chills me, stops the motion of my previous intentions, and draws me in.  And now is something I can relate to.  A delicate seclusion that allows me to be creative and write and seems this is not an original thought, as it is directly related to the comment field and the poetic attachment left in place by a master of such things, just yesterday.  Planted in a public space, or should we say, “Displayed.”  A  continuing example of using the right word at the right time and letting others decide, how it impacts the sentence and the field of thought, emerging out of nowhere.

 

I awake and have a fresh inspiration that comes into the day with me.  Instantly feel good and want to expand on how I fell at that moment.  Yet, it takes time to rid myself of my morning ways and habits, and before I know it, things collapse around me, and in some ways I could say,

 “ A Delicate Seclusion.” 

And let it go at that.  But I do what I often do, to reinforce the authority of my present actions.  Google, and just by that very act, am transported beyond morning inspiration and back into the moment of ever competing time-based reality.  Done by an instantly appearing banner that reads, ‘…. A Room With A View by E.M. Forster.

Chapter 5  ….”  

And even as I choose to not give this intrusion more room, I see the words in brief description that read.  ‘…. In delicate seclusion…..”   And there it is.  Words with a place of their own, quantified by another master, E.M Forster.  And there it is.  The situation before me renders me silent.

 

I cannot compete with a true master.  See no reason to reinvent the wheel.  It is all there, A Room With A View, and now I just need to assign myself the task of reading it.  But I won’t.  Keeps me from doing what I want to do.  Keeps me from the chores that now are at the top of my To-Do-List.  In some way, I feel a letdown.  I let the screen before me take over.  I should have never invited that to happen.  Instead, without reference to anything else, I should have just started writing.  

 

Putting it out there.  Start with the words, ‘….. a delicate seclusion….”, and see what new aspects of the old and the familiar would come to me, because for one moment in a new day, it came to me as an original thought, expressed.  Had a place for it.  Would blog about it.  Make it a completed object.  Make it something truly traceable to just me.

 

Great idea.  But now it feels spoiled.  Nothing new under the sun.  Find yourself in somebody else’s mindset and creation.  This time it was and is, E. M. Forster and his literature, A Room With A View.  Obviously a masterpiece.  Or the writings of a master. 

And that is where I will stop. 

 

No reason to try to reinvent the wheel.  Next time I will be more careful.  If the words come to me, will be imperative to me to not challenge the moment and the inspiration that a few well-chosen words can give.  Instead I will just be spontaneous, not second guess the moment, nor to protect myself by seeing what others have to say on the subject.  Learned this today.

 

Trust oneself and one’s abilities.  Blog.   And let it be important.  One way or another.