FOOL'S DANCE

A FOOL’S  DANCE



 

I think it best to laugh instead of cry.  I think it best to dress up and go out, when the lights have been turned off, not because you didn’t pay your bill, but because in the modern era, we have hackers on the power grid, turning out the lights.  And of course, its not enough to write a blog about.  These events are part of the beheading of society, to induce the normals to buy more insurance, or if you are a little short these days, buy maleware software for your computer and your computer-life. 

 

Life in the spotlight, and now there is maleware that turns on your webcam, takes pictures and tells you to pay up, else they will be reporting you to the police.  Things have changed so much, am not sure I know the laws and what I might be guilty of.  So instead of hiring a lawyer for some alleged misdemeanor or inappropriate action, I will spend my money on a night of dancing.



 

So, not intending to sit in a dark room, going over the list of catastrophes that happen in life.  Instead, I will apply for help and when they ask, "Why are you here?", will answer with the partial lyrics from Frank Zappa’s 1979 song, that inspires me to try to keep  my head in the right place, dress up and go out.  I will recite this and hope it is sufficient.  ".... don’t know much about dancin.  That’s why I got this song.  One of my legs is shorter than the other." 




And if I am convincing, they will sign me up for disability assistance.  Either it works or it doesn’t, but in this era where jobs are scarce, we the people need to band together and do something.  We work, or we starve trying to find something to do.  I think it best to laugh instead of cry.  I think its okay to learn the Fool’s Dance, and partner up with you, for a night we won’t talk about, but at the time it will be a night we never forget.  Stardust Memory Time.  Dancing in the Dark.



No cause for alarm.  When one of your legs is shorter than the other, and you climb off the bus, needing another foot to make ends meet, you improvise.  Just got off the bus and am hoping to find balance in the next steps I take.  Won’t try to right society, and now I know, each locality has special rules that you might be in violation of.  Is one of the reason’s I travel with my disability bus pass.  Is why I have sold my car, moved into the center of the universe, Universal City, perhaps.  Centered and walking around with chump change.  Willing to be a little slow and appear to be off balance.  Willing to tell a strange.  "One of my legs is shorter than the other." 



And sure, its just the joke of the day.  Out and about, and have decided its better to laugh than cry, when there are no jobs, and you need to improvise.  Make fun while you can, and ignore that in a contest you will not win, but just being on the dance floor makes you feel better than sitting in a dark room, wondering when the lights are coming back on.  No cause for alarm, he’s going out.  Dancing Fool or the Fool’s Dance, not quite sure but am sure in the end, The Law will tell me.  "No dancing on the grass.  Keep moving."



 

It has been suggested that one could take an upper or a downer or the pill as a cure for what ails you.  But I’ve decided that is The Fool’s Dance, and as an alternative will try something different.  Laughing.  Dancing.  Dancing Bare.  Do the Short Leg Polka.   Follow the steps of others like the Psycho Chicken, who has been there, done that, and now suggests, "The best medicine for a broken heart or a disappointment in life is activity and movement.  Dislocation."  




 Not to say its less painful, when I Am Missing You.  Half a foot more, and I will get over it.  Not to say, feeling better is cost free, but then again, chump change and a discounted bus pass will get you far.  Not sure what the limits are just yet.  Have decided being on an open road, looking for you is better than sitting in the dark, waiting for the lights to come back on.  Can’t dwell on what use to be.  Fully functioning society is not what’s on my dinner plate these days.  Doing a lot of the Fool’s Dance, fake optimism if it gets me closer to you.  "Transfer please."  And the door opens, and I am free to get off, anytime the ride gets rough and I need a breather in the park or just in fresh air. 




When and Where does a Fool’s Dance end?  When will you meet me halfway, and we can dance over the seams and cracks and patches that bridge the life we now find ourselves living.  Going it alone is difficult.  Asking for help, and that is difficult too.  Misdirection and laughing has propelled me into this current day.  I am getting worse and feel like a bird with a broken wing, but really my major problem is that I need a dance partner.  Had one, and thought the dance would go on forever.  But that’s not how it goes.  At some point the lights go out,  you lose your job or just can’t find one, and run out of money.  And that’s when the Fool’s Dance begins.  You have to scramble to get on somebody’s dance card.  You have to make an effort to find a place to spend your day.  Better yet, if I find you. 



And am working on this, as we speak.  Missing you.  Head in the clouds and moving around, just in case.  Just in case you are out there, vectoring with me, because you know:  The man is a dancing fool.   The man never gives up.  And its not that obscene hunger for excitement that has you with him.  People like to dance.  People like to have a little fun.  And if you ask me, I will tell you.   "come and dance with me.  Its better to laugh than to cry."   Barefoot in the Park.  Doing the Fool’s Dance.  And its free.  Happy Days.  From dusk to dark.

THINK SIMPLE NOW

THINK SIMPLE NOW

 

Not sure you can use buzzwords to write a blog, in the instance where you have an outline based on keywords that will guide you through and add up to a meaningful whole.  Seems like if I don’t write it down, it will just slip away.  And sure I could write it down on a piece of paper and be so clever that the reader would never know this was a scripted effort, based on the exclusion of everything else but the words on your to-do-list.  So now I will follow my own advice and hope that it brings me face to face with you, and the pleasure that comes with human expression and the embrace of word lovers, and lovers of the jet stream, that leaves with more than vaporware and vapor in the air, while crossing over into each others world. 



Of course, following the rules means this should be brief.  Which is an obstacle that stands in my way.  So I need to scan the horizon and the copy to make sure I don’t repeat myself.  He said, " …. if I don’t write it down, it will just slip away."  Now he thinks, if he removes the slip, will we be left in the proper mood, perhaps in the entrapment of being undressed by our own words and actions.  Add to this the idea that we deviate and remove not only the slip, but the briefs, and you have to ask, by doing this, are we totally exposed?  Will this invite chaos and a mass exodus, and stand for the major reason we are not together today?  Seems like we can’t allow the introduction of mistakes to add to the complexity.   Hence his title:  Think Simple Now.



Before I forget what I wanted to tell you, let me just blurt it out without finesse.  "I want to be with you."  I need the connection."   Having said that, I can now get on with the small talk that could gum up the total operation with things that prove to be unmanageable and unimportant further on down that long winding road, where we suddenly diverge at the Y, and it happens in an instance.  Once together, we are now traveling alone, and with a sense of faith we hope to meet up at that Big-Intersection-In-The-Sky.  Jet Stream and Vaporware and I now know where all of this is taking me.  Invisible and Out There.  Is how I would explain my special arrangement with you. 



A convenient arrangement that hints of a lasting relationship built on words and a to-do-list.  Seems like I am forgetting something.  Not sure I should go back and look things over from a Told-You-So perspective.  Hindsight will not help me now.  Only you and I know what happened.  We started out together.  Somewhere along the way, he lost you.  Or he got lost in the terminal moment when he went his way, and you went your own way, never to actually be together again,  in slips and briefs.


 

So what are we going to do?  He wants to expand on this subject.  He wants to add more words.  He wants to be a skilled and self-aware author of this non-descript  blog.  Its not happening.  He wants to be with you.   But you are not around.  Or maybe you are, but are behind a one-way-mirror.  He can’t see you.  Doesn’t know that you are with him, but wants to Think Simple Now.  Wants to invite you to be his invisible friend.  Wants to find the value of vapor and the jet stream and slips and briefs.  He wants it all, beginning with the  moment he decided.  "  If he writes this blog, she will come."


 

SONG AND DANCE

SONG AND DANCE

 

In the old days, I worked with an expression that came to me as a familiar refrain, and it was my way of handling the moment of standing still in life; going through the motions, but not having a plan for chance and change.  I was not going to do anything different, didn't want to walk away from the life I had carefully constructed, and most of all, lost faith in the direction things were going.  Felt like I had been left behind.  Could not anchor my skiff to a major transport, with any sense of conviction that it was the way to go, and who to go with was less important than staying with my normal crew. 




My crew.  Family.  The Band.  The College Friends who said they cared a lot.  We have our connections and the ones we are with, for better or worse, and when we block it out or map out the next 10 years, seems just the proper thing to do. Or seems futile after being with the system that has been in place for the last 7 years.  What do we have, and what do we expect the next time around.  Is there to be a next time?  And allows me to put it all together and handle the letdown and the boredom of it all.  Won’t take to drug or drink to elevate my mood and where I am in the circumstantial ring. 
Not necessary to take things to extremes. 


 

A time of transition and it feels as if I am doing what I have always done.  Think about it, plan for it, and then make predestined and projected, the next best thing I have to look forward to.  Song and Dance in that respect, then means that it is to be expected.   Accepted your song and dance as our song.  Our dance.  Our time together.



And now it feels more like the pain of chords not in synch.  Music that follows the path of youth.  Expected so much more.  Thought Elvis and others would always be with me.  No idea I would change.  No idea I would leave it all behind.  Can’t sort it out in this moment.  More like, I don’t want to.  I have made my choices.  I have done this before.  Not sure I can keep up with what others are doing.  Have resigned myself to a degree of chance.  What happens next, just happens. 



I thought there would be a point in the time capsule where it would be the way they said it would be.  Song and Dance and I accepted what was said and done.  Now it seems, its not worth fighting for.  I have grown tired.  The pain of it all is catching up with me.  Is the song and dance I feel.  Not many reasons to extend my experience and learning by doing, to you.  I see you.  You are my opposite.  We have talked about this.  I like it when I am with you, but then.  Then there is more.  My other ways and instincts.  You don’t drink.  You don’t drug. 

You don’t go out much any more. 


 

I know where to find you.  Its hard.  Age difference and the drift is on.  It will take a big effort to make our song and dance be one.  You are the classic sound.   The way it is for me, I have turned the volume down. 

Too much for now, I need to be alone. 



Not sure if this is the lyrics and the personal message coming from the music you play and hear and project as your own.  Was looking around for a trace of you.  Didn’t know where you disappeared to.  Had experienced this before.  Being with you.  Then talking.  Making the most of our time together, made a plan, but as you know.  It fell through.  It didn’t happen.  Not that we were gambling or playing a high stakes game.  Bought you a dog.  Thought we would share and be drawn closer together.  But the years are numbering two now.  Dog is off the leash and can be trusted not to be put in a cage.  Well mannered.  Just not with me.   Not sure if dog is even with you.  Given over to another, while you are working or have to be out of town.  Didn’t trust to leave him with me, but that is okay.



Song and Dance.  Humming a different tune.  Its personal for you.  For me, is part of the wait and see.  Not sure what you have gotten yourself into.  Have stopped being a SEER.  Not the time for metal-physical.  Both are smart enough to know, what we tried to do, has been paved over.  Doesn’t really exist.  And yet, he doesn’t leave.  Is there.  Hoping that he will be put back on your dance card.  Hope we frequent the same dance halls.  Trust that its not the name that is important, nor the work you do.  Is not your assets, that he wants to hold and mark time with, and move around the floor, small steps at a time.  In rhythm.

 

All of this is inspired by knowing, we tried our best.  We wanted it to happen.  We wanted to find the music in our lives and let it flow together.  Make a significant signature in the chorus line, let our bodies touch, and with or without another glass of wine, feel like this could be everlasting.  What lasted was the constant moving line and I did not forgive myself when what I did, separated myself from you. 



What I did.  I was trained to do this.  It followed a natural progression.  I told you what it was, during the intermission when the band left the stage and we were left with small talk, and some cosmetic repair.  Then the lights went down, and the mood brought me into your arms.  We were there.  We tried our best to make it last.  But then, at the end of the night, and I went home.  Never alone.  Had thoughts of you and the night we spent together.  Had hoped that it would be a continuous repeat, but time and distance being what it is; we had another gig in another town.  Now its just what it is.  I am leaving things to chance.  If we are to be, a couple on the dance floor, I don’t need to hear your song and dance and plans for the future, to know you are the one.



 

Will just go with the moment.  Leave it to the powers that be.  Leave it to chance.  Yes, I know where to find you.  Can make a permanent home, but will not.  This is my time to drift, to be out of sight, and show up.  Red dress.  More like purple and green.  Wearing the blue shirt.  Liked the smell of you, but had to let go of the tight collar.  You know how it is.  Not a perfect fit.   The pain is there.  I am shrinking in statue.  My work is no longer me.  Not sure what comes next.  I have tried to plan it out.  But being by myself has me wondering, where I should position myself next.  Just in case, you walk by.  With the dog on a leash, and the guitar case.  Open and will accept what you offer.  On the street.  Playing and singing and making myself feel like I am coming back to life.  Know I need the music to keep going.  But know.  The old music has served a purpose.  Now it is time to accept what comes next.  Without a plan.

Song and Dance:  Part 2



 

Blogs are but personal milestones.  People come and go.  This is by intention.  They need a gig or a certain stimulation to feel alive and purposeful.  You can’t just stop what you have been doing for the last 20 years.  Can’t divorce and then do the same thing again.  Oh you can.  Remarry the same type of guy you left behind.  Change is not how you thought it would be, when you left one and joined another. 



 

Today’s blog is inspired by the nature of our changing places in life.  I have a friend.  Having been looking around in the digital maze.  We were once every day expressionist.  Would blog.  Would do private messaging.  Would try to get together when we were in town.  Now the map has changed.  I don’t know where my friend is.  This is by design.  We said one thing, and did another.  Was a tried and true pattern, and it wasn’t personal.  We knew what to do. 



And time has made us 7 years into the wind.  And there are some that you think about.  Some you want to have and hold.  Some you want to hear the sound of their voice.  Some you want to dance with.    But being realistic, you just know.  Now is not the time.



 

So this blog reflects a desire to have things be, the way they were 5 years ago.  Daily transmissions and encounters.  In person.  Online.  Picture perfect and a feeling that we would one day, be together.  For all time.  Was my SEER period.  Now things have settled.  So was doing my dog tracking and my sniffing around.  Found the new YouTube site and the new playlist.  Was only one song there.  Garth Brooks.  The Dance.  Was looking for my friend, and found only a trace of the true reality of the situation.  Listened to the song and could relate.  Wrote down parts of the lyrics as it made sense to me.



 

Garth Brooks.   The Dance.  Keywords and message.  And now I know.  Don’t hold your breath.  Stop waiting around for me.  Manage and Move forward.  And I smile.  Knew that we could dance and drink and be in the moment.  Loved the feel of each other.  But then just know, he would go home.  She would do her thing.  And time would bring them back together.  Not by plan, but the element of chance.  Which is the primary element here.

 

So Garth Brooks.  And this is the response that came from me.


Looking back.   Where it would end.  Where it would go.

Life left to chance.   Could have missed the pain, but then would have missed the dance.

Great moments.  If I had only known.

Who is to say,  I might have changed it all.

Our lives are better left to chance.




End of the blog and this is where I find myself.  Alone in one way.  My destiny is my own.  Has little to do with you.  We talked.  I told you how I thought it would be.  It turned out different.  We danced.  Our togetherness was temporary.  We were close, but the invisible depth of inner space keeps us on separate tracks.  Recorded at different times and put together as if it was one song and dance, to those who just wanted some music to play and listen to, it was good.  But then they moved on.  Put it on the playlist.  Would return to the sounds of  you, but just never did.  So many songs to sing.  Some are favorites, but over time melt into memory.  That person.  A special place in heart and time.  Then we moved on.  It happens. 




And just for now, I write this blog and think of you.   And wonder.  Will I ever see you again?   And if now, when I am lonely and sense that you are important even now, to me.  Will I go to YouTube.  Will I play the last song I associated with you.  Was it our song.  Was it our dance.  Was it our pain, left on the dance floor, and passed on in the night.  Garth Brooks.   The Dance.   Had me thinking, I loved the dance I had with you.  Years ago, when life was changing for us,  Back then.  Dog on a leash preparing for the long walk.  And I wonder. 

Will I ever see you again?  Dingo Dawg.  Rhop.

The Missing Twins. 

A LARGER CONVERSATION

PART OF A LARGER CONVERSATION

So I was wondering if the blogs I write are actually part of a larger conversation, or if indeed they are like a grain of sand on the litter strewn beach in Southern California.  Surf and Sand and who has time for the larger conversation, when the sun is out 365 days a year, and everybody is texting on their phones, in short bursts.  Gets me to wondering, where has everybody gone, and when I see heads down, looking at their watch or smart phone on their wrist, and where the invisible part of each of us, now resides.


 

People, a few: do leave comments on my blogs, and even less send me private mail, expanding on the subject, mentioned in the daily blog.  But for the most part, its not a message that needs expanding on.  Is not really a group conversation, not one person to another privately responding in any way that invites a greater sense of voice in our digital community.  Digital Community and wonder if the 1 minute video of song or dance actually is a conversation, I have not yet joined?  


 

I don’t understand a lot of what is passing as intelligent messaging these days.  Hashtags and Twitter one-liners.  Makes me wonder what I need to do, to make this a meaningful part of my day.  Seems as if its just a developing style for people on the run, too busy to actually sit across from each other, have a cup of coffee or tea, and share the moments of their day with each other.   It may be that all of this actually occurs, and I am just unaware as time runs out, and the hours we once shared in conversation, are now nothing more than tracer briefs on somebody’s database, filed under the heading:  Home Land Security.



Post anything from anywhere.  Customize everything.  Find and follow those things or people you love, and hope that for the better, technology has actually improved my circumstances and life.  Clean sweep.  Everything converges into part of a larger conversation, and woke up this morning wondering if I will ever know, what others are really saying to me, or about me, or just discussing in a general way, for one moment in time, before it all fades away and we move on to something more current and more interesting than what I had for lunch, who thinks its not okay to color my hair RED, and how that doesn’t really fit with the guy with multiple tattoos under his business suit.  Substance and Image, and wonder if all that is part of a larger conversation I find myself having in a blog, that nobody has time to read?



Not saying that I think you are ignoring me, or even that I am being left out of the essential messaging system.  Use to be that I might ask you for your phone number, and within 48 hours, call you.  Now its instant messaging.  A quick hello, and a faster goodbye than I ever imagined in 1983.  All of this is quite impressive.  Tweets and Twitters from outer space, and I am more simple than all of that, as I wonder, will I be seeing you today and will we meet and have tea or coffee and a little time to talk.  Talk.  About what is important.  Will there be time for that.  I wonder.



 

Identifying a conversation.  Responding in conversation.  Involved in a silent conversation.  Virtual Sit-Down.  What is all of this?  Is it really happening, or is this a new technologized-way of socializing and networking, nothing more than linked computers and devices, driving us to articulate but not engage in a physical way.  Face to face, and I can’t remember the last time I saw you.   Missing something here, and would like to make it a part of a larger conversation, but realize.  Its not happening.  And I am not sure why.



Maybe this is just me.  Lamenting for things that no longer exist.  Ships passing in the night, on a vast sea of indifference.  End of Life and its not something we talk about.  How yesterday was so exciting, and how today, it just isn’t.  Speed of Light messaging.  Conversations on the edge of darkness, and I wonder how my day passed, and we never kissed.  I like intimacy.  I like the feeling of you, next to me.  But its been a long time since that has occurred.  Now you are nothing more than someone of the periphery of my life.  Somebody I think about, but am now reduced to second guessing, and validated thoughts and occurrence, when I read your email or instant message or comment at the bottom of a screen. 



 

Not saying this doesn’t work.   Not saying its not efficient use of time and resources.  Liked it when we had time for each other.  Liked it when the small talk could be identified as personal chatter.  But now, it all flows together, but not in the way I expected, when I first meet you, and fell in love with the look and the feel and the special messaging that took place, while holding hands and saying very little.  All part of a larger conversation worth having, but seldom occurring for me today. 




And I wonder why.  Was it something I said?  Did I chase you away?  Not personal.  It just happens.  Time is a scarce resource.  Be happy that I take the time to email, or comment on your blogs.  People are busy.  True.  True.    Be happy.  Now go away, the phone is ringing.  I have things to do. 

FILL IN THE BLANKS

FILL IN THE BLANKS

 

Am sitting by myself listening to a baseball game.  Not something I often do on a Friday night.  But am not interested in watching sports on the Big Screen.  Am going to a football game on Sunday, and will be out in the open in a crowd of people, enjoying the game.  So listening is my option for this night.  And the only reason I am doing this, is because its been an odd day for me.  Anti-climatic or just spent a week watching the headlines for indications of major change. 



Seems there was a vote on Thursday that was about The United Kingdom, and it turns out the democratic process went on without a problem, and one side lost, and the other side went home, happy.  A lot like going to a football game on Sunday, but different.  My goal is to de-stimulate now, without involving coffee or alcohol or drugs.  And doing this by filling in the blanks.  Going over things as I understand them, and making sense of it all. 




This is how I usually run my personal operation.  Reason it out.  Figure it out.  Life is not a game.  So fill in the blanks, have a sense of knowing what you have just been involved in, and survive.



 

I smile.  It has been a long time now since I have worn my Bat Man Suit.  Hero epic has receded in my everyday life.  Seems like I am logged into a computer, more often than not and living vicariously, and out of the action mode, hero doll style that has followed me around like a hungry dog or pet, in my younger years.  Not saying I have stopped providing for myself or my crew, but more and more, it has become every person for themselves. 



 

And this is because we have progress and process, and equality.  Equality in the workplace, and on the surface it seems this is true.  Everybody, world wide competes.  Those who have the jobs, have the means to go beyond where I am.  Not that where I am, really will affect you, but men in suits vs.  Women in work apparel, stopping off to vote.  And now all of that is over.  And I am happy.  Was not in my locality, nor in my jurisdiction.  Just watching, because I could.  Had interest, but in a minor way.  I like it when people organize and vote and then accept the majority rule of the people.



 

Should I be concerned?  Does it matter if my team loses its game on Sunday.  Over the years I have observed and learned to adjust, no matter what happens.  So being concerned might be about letting my emotions take over, and going away from my daily practices.  Get carried away by the voice and energy of others.  Certainly this is what happens, when I go to a Seattle Seahawks game.  Will do that on Sunday.  8 home games in a season that count.  I ignore preseason.  That part of things is a hoax or con.  So 8 games and have been to the first game, on September 4.  Seattle plays well.  Wins.  Sends the Green Packers home with a loss.  They then go to San Diego for their second game, and they lose. 



 

So I am expecting a win on Sunday.  Home team wins most of the time.  This is the pattern I am seeing for The Seattle Team, and some others.  Not all teams win just because they are playing at their home stadium.  But Seattle is not a big town.  Is isolated.  So having almost 70,000 people in the stadium, drinking and having a little fun, causes enough energy to inspire the home team to play their best.  Is about emotions and the spontaneous drive to thrive in the present moment.  Should I be concerned?  If the home team loses, and people empty out of the stadium quiet and subdued. 



 

Over the years I have grown accustomed to the Seattle team losing as many games as they win.  And over the years, it made no difference if they were at home.  They would lose.  And the people got use to this.  Now, as Super Bowl and world football champions for the year 2013, the expectations are that we will never lose.  That we will always be champions and the best of the best.  Think this might just be emotions taking over. 




For me, I fill in the blanks, and act with more reason than emotion.  I calculate the moment, and walk away.  Mostly unconcerned with the outcome.  When younger it was as if I never played a game on the field, without rehearsing it in history and in my mind a 100 times or more.  Visualizing victory in all things that I would do.  This was the way it was for a young Stoney Blogger Guy.  Fill in the Blanks. 



Reason out and project the outcome that was satisfactory for me, in the moment that I was involved.  Involved in sports.  Involved at work.  Involved with others.  It all happened when I came out of the think tank, wearing my Bat Man Suit.  Inspired to win.