SONG AND DANCE

SONG AND DANCE

 

In the old days, I worked with an expression that came to me as a familiar refrain, and it was my way of handling the moment of standing still in life; going through the motions, but not having a plan for chance and change.  I was not going to do anything different, didn't want to walk away from the life I had carefully constructed, and most of all, lost faith in the direction things were going.  Felt like I had been left behind.  Could not anchor my skiff to a major transport, with any sense of conviction that it was the way to go, and who to go with was less important than staying with my normal crew. 




My crew.  Family.  The Band.  The College Friends who said they cared a lot.  We have our connections and the ones we are with, for better or worse, and when we block it out or map out the next 10 years, seems just the proper thing to do. Or seems futile after being with the system that has been in place for the last 7 years.  What do we have, and what do we expect the next time around.  Is there to be a next time?  And allows me to put it all together and handle the letdown and the boredom of it all.  Won’t take to drug or drink to elevate my mood and where I am in the circumstantial ring. 
Not necessary to take things to extremes. 


 

A time of transition and it feels as if I am doing what I have always done.  Think about it, plan for it, and then make predestined and projected, the next best thing I have to look forward to.  Song and Dance in that respect, then means that it is to be expected.   Accepted your song and dance as our song.  Our dance.  Our time together.



And now it feels more like the pain of chords not in synch.  Music that follows the path of youth.  Expected so much more.  Thought Elvis and others would always be with me.  No idea I would change.  No idea I would leave it all behind.  Can’t sort it out in this moment.  More like, I don’t want to.  I have made my choices.  I have done this before.  Not sure I can keep up with what others are doing.  Have resigned myself to a degree of chance.  What happens next, just happens. 



I thought there would be a point in the time capsule where it would be the way they said it would be.  Song and Dance and I accepted what was said and done.  Now it seems, its not worth fighting for.  I have grown tired.  The pain of it all is catching up with me.  Is the song and dance I feel.  Not many reasons to extend my experience and learning by doing, to you.  I see you.  You are my opposite.  We have talked about this.  I like it when I am with you, but then.  Then there is more.  My other ways and instincts.  You don’t drink.  You don’t drug. 

You don’t go out much any more. 


 

I know where to find you.  Its hard.  Age difference and the drift is on.  It will take a big effort to make our song and dance be one.  You are the classic sound.   The way it is for me, I have turned the volume down. 

Too much for now, I need to be alone. 



Not sure if this is the lyrics and the personal message coming from the music you play and hear and project as your own.  Was looking around for a trace of you.  Didn’t know where you disappeared to.  Had experienced this before.  Being with you.  Then talking.  Making the most of our time together, made a plan, but as you know.  It fell through.  It didn’t happen.  Not that we were gambling or playing a high stakes game.  Bought you a dog.  Thought we would share and be drawn closer together.  But the years are numbering two now.  Dog is off the leash and can be trusted not to be put in a cage.  Well mannered.  Just not with me.   Not sure if dog is even with you.  Given over to another, while you are working or have to be out of town.  Didn’t trust to leave him with me, but that is okay.



Song and Dance.  Humming a different tune.  Its personal for you.  For me, is part of the wait and see.  Not sure what you have gotten yourself into.  Have stopped being a SEER.  Not the time for metal-physical.  Both are smart enough to know, what we tried to do, has been paved over.  Doesn’t really exist.  And yet, he doesn’t leave.  Is there.  Hoping that he will be put back on your dance card.  Hope we frequent the same dance halls.  Trust that its not the name that is important, nor the work you do.  Is not your assets, that he wants to hold and mark time with, and move around the floor, small steps at a time.  In rhythm.

 

All of this is inspired by knowing, we tried our best.  We wanted it to happen.  We wanted to find the music in our lives and let it flow together.  Make a significant signature in the chorus line, let our bodies touch, and with or without another glass of wine, feel like this could be everlasting.  What lasted was the constant moving line and I did not forgive myself when what I did, separated myself from you. 



What I did.  I was trained to do this.  It followed a natural progression.  I told you what it was, during the intermission when the band left the stage and we were left with small talk, and some cosmetic repair.  Then the lights went down, and the mood brought me into your arms.  We were there.  We tried our best to make it last.  But then, at the end of the night, and I went home.  Never alone.  Had thoughts of you and the night we spent together.  Had hoped that it would be a continuous repeat, but time and distance being what it is; we had another gig in another town.  Now its just what it is.  I am leaving things to chance.  If we are to be, a couple on the dance floor, I don’t need to hear your song and dance and plans for the future, to know you are the one.



 

Will just go with the moment.  Leave it to the powers that be.  Leave it to chance.  Yes, I know where to find you.  Can make a permanent home, but will not.  This is my time to drift, to be out of sight, and show up.  Red dress.  More like purple and green.  Wearing the blue shirt.  Liked the smell of you, but had to let go of the tight collar.  You know how it is.  Not a perfect fit.   The pain is there.  I am shrinking in statue.  My work is no longer me.  Not sure what comes next.  I have tried to plan it out.  But being by myself has me wondering, where I should position myself next.  Just in case, you walk by.  With the dog on a leash, and the guitar case.  Open and will accept what you offer.  On the street.  Playing and singing and making myself feel like I am coming back to life.  Know I need the music to keep going.  But know.  The old music has served a purpose.  Now it is time to accept what comes next.  Without a plan.

Song and Dance:  Part 2



 

Blogs are but personal milestones.  People come and go.  This is by intention.  They need a gig or a certain stimulation to feel alive and purposeful.  You can’t just stop what you have been doing for the last 20 years.  Can’t divorce and then do the same thing again.  Oh you can.  Remarry the same type of guy you left behind.  Change is not how you thought it would be, when you left one and joined another. 



 

Today’s blog is inspired by the nature of our changing places in life.  I have a friend.  Having been looking around in the digital maze.  We were once every day expressionist.  Would blog.  Would do private messaging.  Would try to get together when we were in town.  Now the map has changed.  I don’t know where my friend is.  This is by design.  We said one thing, and did another.  Was a tried and true pattern, and it wasn’t personal.  We knew what to do. 



And time has made us 7 years into the wind.  And there are some that you think about.  Some you want to have and hold.  Some you want to hear the sound of their voice.  Some you want to dance with.    But being realistic, you just know.  Now is not the time.



 

So this blog reflects a desire to have things be, the way they were 5 years ago.  Daily transmissions and encounters.  In person.  Online.  Picture perfect and a feeling that we would one day, be together.  For all time.  Was my SEER period.  Now things have settled.  So was doing my dog tracking and my sniffing around.  Found the new YouTube site and the new playlist.  Was only one song there.  Garth Brooks.  The Dance.  Was looking for my friend, and found only a trace of the true reality of the situation.  Listened to the song and could relate.  Wrote down parts of the lyrics as it made sense to me.



 

Garth Brooks.   The Dance.  Keywords and message.  And now I know.  Don’t hold your breath.  Stop waiting around for me.  Manage and Move forward.  And I smile.  Knew that we could dance and drink and be in the moment.  Loved the feel of each other.  But then just know, he would go home.  She would do her thing.  And time would bring them back together.  Not by plan, but the element of chance.  Which is the primary element here.

 

So Garth Brooks.  And this is the response that came from me.


Looking back.   Where it would end.  Where it would go.

Life left to chance.   Could have missed the pain, but then would have missed the dance.

Great moments.  If I had only known.

Who is to say,  I might have changed it all.

Our lives are better left to chance.




End of the blog and this is where I find myself.  Alone in one way.  My destiny is my own.  Has little to do with you.  We talked.  I told you how I thought it would be.  It turned out different.  We danced.  Our togetherness was temporary.  We were close, but the invisible depth of inner space keeps us on separate tracks.  Recorded at different times and put together as if it was one song and dance, to those who just wanted some music to play and listen to, it was good.  But then they moved on.  Put it on the playlist.  Would return to the sounds of  you, but just never did.  So many songs to sing.  Some are favorites, but over time melt into memory.  That person.  A special place in heart and time.  Then we moved on.  It happens. 




And just for now, I write this blog and think of you.   And wonder.  Will I ever see you again?   And if now, when I am lonely and sense that you are important even now, to me.  Will I go to YouTube.  Will I play the last song I associated with you.  Was it our song.  Was it our dance.  Was it our pain, left on the dance floor, and passed on in the night.  Garth Brooks.   The Dance.   Had me thinking, I loved the dance I had with you.  Years ago, when life was changing for us,  Back then.  Dog on a leash preparing for the long walk.  And I wonder. 

Will I ever see you again?  Dingo Dawg.  Rhop.

The Missing Twins.